TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A different put where American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel in which my PTSD may have turn-down company."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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